You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
All the doctor said was why
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize