I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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