Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
