at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
