Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
