If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
it's great music for shaving your balls
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
