Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
