Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
