he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
