The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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