i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
