For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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