I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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