Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize