before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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