i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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