I want to make a zoo with you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
