its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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