I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
