I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize