just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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