yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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