I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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