Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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