dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
