I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
