Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
