cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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