Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
