So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
