I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize