I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
