someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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