I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
