Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
