Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I stole a fireplace last night.
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Do I have a choice?
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I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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