Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
