just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
there is glitter all over my balls
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
