I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
