i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
