Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
