i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
