He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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