Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
