new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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