Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
