Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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