I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
