The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
