Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
