I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
