Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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