I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
