I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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