that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
