I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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