sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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