My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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