Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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