It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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