I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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