my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
