The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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